Disenfranchised griefs might actually be the true cause of depression.

An introduction to an underplayed form of grief

Photo by Mahrael Boutros from Pexels

Legendary Michael Jackson sang in his Lost Children track - 

“We pray for our fathers, pray for our mothers Wishing our families well
We sing songs for the wishing, of those who are kissing
But not for the missing

So this one's for all the lost children
This one's for all the lost children
This one's for all the lost children, wishing them well
And wishing them home”

This is precisely what I wish to do with this article. I want to introduce the underplayed form of grief. The type just like I often find myself doing; I'd wondered what really lay beneath the iconic, glamorous and cheerful surfaces of people I come across.

How did most of the people I admire their lives really feel? What are their everyday losses, the kind they feel we have no permission to mourn - the ones that psychologists have named "disenfranchised griefs?"

These are little discussed. Since I came across them, I often asked myself—did they even exist? But I am sure they do. In little forms, traces, sometimes even big enough to wreak havoc, but we just don't count them as big enough stuff to sweat over.

We feel grief over a friendship breakup, like the type I felt in 2022, which inspired an article about the Bittersweet Truth About Friendship Breakups: Mostly The Pain and Beauty of a Friendship. 

Friendships are often seen as the most stable and lasting relationships in our lives. We clutch onto them, hoping they will accompany us until the final breath, forever intertwining our souls. However, reality paints a different picture. Sometimes, these cherished connections end abruptly or gradually, leaving us feeling hurt, emotionally wounded, confused, and lonely.

Friendship breakups are not uncommon, but they are rarely discussed or acknowledged in our society. We don't have a clear script for how to end a friendship respectfully, how to cope with the loss, or how to move on. So, I included friendship breakups on my list of a form of disenfranchised griefs. 

I also rate it close to ‘Situationship.’ One of those terms, which Amy Glover explains that you only really learn if you’ve suffered through it. It refers to an unofficial dating situation where one or both parties act sort of like a couple (i.e. by going on dates, giving romantic gifts, engaging intimately, and even meeting one another’s friends). However, there’s no explicit commitment, and one or both people don’t know where they stand.

But like every disenfranchised grief, people are not allowed to validate the pains individuals have to endure due to its breakup. While it seems most of us are working to avoid falling into this category, situationships seem to be a pretty ubiquitous dating experience.

Because situationships are often more casual than traditional relationships - there may not be as much support from friends and family during the breakup. It can make a lonely, difficult time even more challenging, not exactly the dream conditions under which to heal healthily.

What about spending more money in a social situation than you expected—now you'd go home and check your account balance alone? Finally, you decided to cut down on every other important necessity. But still, you can't complain to anyone, and you aren't even allowed to grieve over the discomfort of these personally imposed restrictions.

What about the day you felt so sleepy, and the only thing you needed to do was continue sleeping for the whole day, but you dragged yourself to work? Suddenly, you realise that coffee had helped previously and could still help.

But interestingly, the same day, you find your attention piqued by the price of a cup of coffee—which makes you angry at how expensive it has become. Then you wonder how much people who don't drink coffee might have saved from it—but like every other disenfranchised grief, you are not even allowed to grieve about this.

As a kid, I cried because of losing my lunch chop money, but as an adult, I still find that it hurts as much as it did back then. Just that now, I am not allowed to openly acknowledge it - at least, not without turning it into a joke.

Simply put - disenfranchised grief refers to a type of mourning that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported. However, unlike conventional grief, which typically follows the loss of a loved one or a significant life change, disenfranchised grief may arise from losses that society does not recognise or validate.

Disenfranchised grief can be particularly challenging because individuals may feel isolated in their sorrow, unable to openly express their emotions or seek support from others. This lack of validation can lead to feelings of loneliness, shame, and guilt as individuals struggle to navigate their grief without the usual sources of comfort and understanding.

The novelist Mark Merlis describes the mysterious pain that comes from meeting someone irresistible - which I often consider a form of disenfranchised griefs:

“Do you know how sometimes you see a man, and you’re not sure if you want to get in his pants or if you want to cry? Not because you can’t have him; maybe you can. But you see right away through him, something in him beyond having. You can’t screw your way into it, any more than you can get at the golden eggs by slitting the goose. So you want to cry, not like a child, but like an exile who is reminded of his homeland.”

When I typed the first few words for this article, I thought I would have a remedy for how to deal with disenfranchised griefs. But I soon realised how I only wish for us to understand that It's important for society to recognise and validate all forms of grief, regardless of its perceived significance. By acknowledging disenfranchised grief, we can create a more compassionate and inclusive environment for those who are mourning - including ourselves.

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Many thanks for reading my perspective and giving feedback.

My fervent wish is for the personal growth of everyone and the success of all young professionals who put their hearts and souls into finding their purpose in life.

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