How I Find Strength in Melancholy to Remain Resilient

Photo of the Author by the Author

For some unbeknownst reason(s), I grew up with the family label as the weakest child among my parents' five children. This not only leaves me puzzled but also, I am always surprised when I am being told how fragile I am, which perhaps to patronise my emotions of unreasonably comparing me with any of my sisters; I am often being compared with my only brother, who you must know is solid seven years older than I am.

For the records, I was not born premature to have to spend time in the incubator. Neither was I a sick child. Don't get me wrong, I fell ill from time to time and recovered, but it was usually like every other child. In fact, concerning this point, I would say I was not the sickest child among my siblings growing up. Additionally, I could say that I survived more severe adversity as a child - I was hit and run over by an overspeeding moving car when I was three years old. It tore my stomach and cut my lower back deeply - but I healed and, most importantly, grew up like every other child.

You may think by now that as the fourth child, I seldom stood up for myself and was always at the mercy of my older siblings to save me. But no, I actually stood head to head with bullies, not only for myself but on behalf of other children facing such challenges - a lifestyle I have lived by till now.

So, I grew up trying to prove to myself and my family that I was not as weak as they thought. As a young adult, the first thing I did in challenging this narrative was to critically look beyond the reasons, as mentioned earlier, into what may be the actual impression of why I am perceived as weak.

I came up with two answers; the first one is that I was a child who dreaded almost all outdoor games, to the point that other than running, I still couldn't play any other sports. I was always the only one indoors playing with toys, mastering card or board games alone (I am excellent in most card/board games to date) or making up characters in my head and acting them out (solo-acting/performing).

The second, which also forms the basics of my reflections in this article, is that I was born melancholic. This sad temperament was so consuming, and it seemed like I had a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond daily life, even as a very young child.

Now that I have answers to the why, my purpose for writing is to solve the mystery of why so many of us indulge the emotion of sadness by default and how understanding this could help in collaborating well with such individuals.

Melancholy, rooted in the Greek words "melas," meaning black, and "kholē," meaning bile, historically referred to an imbalance of the bodily humors, particularly an excess of black bile, believed to cause a state of deep sadness or depression. This concept of melancholy dates back to ancient times, with notable figures like Hippocrates and Aristotle exploring its physiological and psychological implications.

Over the centuries, the understanding of melancholy evolved from a purely physical ailment to a complex emotional state intertwined with creativity, introspection, and sensitivity. Today, melancholy embodies a profound sense of sorrow, nostalgia, and introspection, often associated with wistful longing or a pensive mood. It transcends its medical origins to encompass a rich arras of human emotions and experiences, inspiring art, literature, and music throughout history.

Contrary to popular belief of pursuing happiness, Melancholic individuals believe that we have to make friends with sadness. We have to hold our losses close and carry them like beloved children. Only when we accept these terrible pains do we realise that the path across is the one that takes us through.

Personally, while the thoughts of the reasons behind why some people have so much (wealthy) and others have nothing (extremely poor) might occupy a vast portion of most people's philosophical questions, I am constantly questioning why some people survive unimaginable adversities (resilient people), while others could not cut through - even the slightest discomfort. By the way, this is not me trivialising anybody's life's trials and tribulations, but when we look around, I am convinced you'd agree with me that there is a reason why some individuals are regarded as resilient people while others are not.

However, with close observation, most successful people exhibit resilience because they possess the ability to adapt and bounce back from setbacks, challenges, and failures. Resilience allows them to maintain focus on their goals despite obstacles, setbacks, or criticism.

This resilience often stems from a combination of factors, including a growth mindset, determination, and the ability to learn from failures rather than being discouraged by them. Ultimately, resilience enables successful people to navigate adversity with grace, emerge stronger from setbacks, and continue progressing towards their goals despite the inevitable challenges they encounter along the way.

So, it might be safe to say that successful people are resilient. But which feelings best suit the state of melancholy from the twenty-seven different emotions, according to psychologists? Melancholic people may find themselves as people whom others perceive to always be in a state of - Awe, Boredom, Calmness, Craving, Empathetic pain, Anxiety, Nostalgia, Interest, Sadness, and Sympathy more than the other emotions outlined.

Suppose it is a generally accepted opinion that life is full of highs and lows, pleasant and unpleasant surprises. In that case, I always beg to ask why some people dread the emotion of being sad, unhappy, or anxious - which may come from a combination of passing through lows or life's unpleasant surprises. Although it is not like melancholic people want to experience lows and unpleasant events in life, I feel that they are hopeful that the lows and the highs can be welcomed as the upside of loss.

The fact is, adversity doesn't discriminate. If you are alive, you will have to, or you've already had to deal with some tough times - in a loop occurrence. But what I perceive the melancholic state of mind does is the longing to care/tender for this emotion of sadness, whether consciously or unconsciously, rather than suppressing it in the pursuit of happy emotions, which others not in this category tend to do.

As a little boy with a melancholic temperament, I now understand that by often being found lost in deep thought, withdrawn from others, and having reflective eyes betraying a sense of introspection beyond my years, it may seem to depict vulnerability compared to that of a lamb voluntary withdrawn from a flock and might get the shepherd worried about its safety. As of then and now, I prefer solitary activities, such as reading or drawing (not good at drawing, so I write), finding solace in the quiet corners of my imagination.

My sensitivity to the world around me made me feel deeply affected by the slightest changes in my environment, often pondering the mysteries of life with a maturity that belies my age. As a young boy, I wondered why all children couldn't get all the toys they wanted, why people died, why can't all our friends attend the same school as us, and even why we couldn't swap our siblings with others, the list continues. Then I will think, maybe the parents don't have enough money. However, I will go on to think, why are all parents not rich enough to afford all the toys their children want? Will I be able to afford everything I want when I grow up, etc.?

Recently, I discovered that although I may struggle or struggled with bouts of sadness or melancholy, I possess a profound depth of emotion that fuels my creativity and empathy towards others. This helped me to speak up for myself and others, even though I was almost always the smallest child in all my classes. However, despite my introspective nature, I find it challenging to express my feelings openly, preferring instead to retreat into the sanctuary of my inner world, where I can process my emotions in solitude - this is something I am mastering to work on as a young adult.

I learned to share my pains in the form of jokes; I learned to write them out in the form of poems; I learned to listen to sad songs with 'g minor chord' where the artist, in a way, somehow managed to help me express how I feel in their lyrics. Yet, beneath my melancholic facade lies a heart brimming with compassion, insight, and a quiet resilience that illuminates my path through life's uncertainties.

When I look back to my life's greatest adversity so far, my biological father dying in my arms at the age of 18 years, it fuels a level of poignant feelings which the upside of such loss gives me the energy to fight off any other form of emotional or physical hardship or life's unpleasant surprises. Because when I searched my mind, no other pain could come close to how I felt. I feel like I had my heart shattered, and each piece of it poured down like condensing dust into my stomach. Not only does this adversity help me welcome the upside of every other loss, but it has also put me in a position to respond to loss by healing the wounds I have suffered in others.

I can deeply connect to sadness and others' grief of loss and disapointments. I believe that when we experience sadness, we share in common suffering. It becomes one of the few times when people allow themselves to be genuinely vulnerable. It becomes a time when our pursuit of happiness culture allows us to be completely honest about our feelings. The death of my father in his 50s has been like a golden, invisible, but unbreakable string which binds me and my family as one. It is a sadness we now look back to in loving communion and compassion when dealing with ourselves - this has remained what we radiate and extend to others when dealing with them.

I am sending my sincerest love and best wishes to everyone going through an unbearable phase of life - especially those with no one to understand and share in their sadness.

---

Many thanks for reading my perspective and giving feedback.

My fervent wish is for the personal growth of everyone and the success of all young professionals who put their hearts and souls into finding their purpose in life.

Copyright © Ekene Moses, 2023. All Rights Reserved.