How to forgive and stop being angry at yourself.

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I cannot help but notice that everyone I know has multiple or at least one thing they regret—it could be a missed opportunity, action, or something they have done that they thought could have been done better.

So, I have come to terms with the agreement that we are supposed to feel this way. It is normal because having regrets doesn't mean you're weird or don't belong to the category of people with the standard critical or moral reasoning.

Rather it shows our ability to reflect upon our actions, which the embodied state of mind psychologists advise, popularised by William James, generally acknowledged as the founder of modern psychology, suggested that there are two sides to awareness, the "I" and the "me".

The active aspect of self-awareness is the "I" – the part of our awareness that experiences the here and now – sometimes referred to as the "experiential self". The more passive aspect of awareness is the "me" – this part that observes or reflects upon our actions. We might call this the rational or reflective self.

Suppose this is one of the standard states of mind as an individual. In that case, I am particularly concerned about how some people allow this emotion of regret to transcend into anger, most especially anger with themselves.

So, I have taken it upon myself to intellectually solve the mystery behind why some regrets turn into unforgivable personal anger with oneself. There is a story about regrets that comes to mind - it is a classic Buddhist story about the mustard seed.

In the story, a woman loses her only child. Grief-stricken, she staggers across the town with her son's corpse in her arms, searching for a doctor or sage who can bring him back to life. Finally, she meets Buddha. He tells her her wish will be granted, but she must bring him a mustard seed.

But just one thing, he adds. The seed must come from a household where no one has ever died, where they've never known loss or grief. The bereaved mother is thrilled, sets off on her quest, and knocks on one door after another. And soon learns that loss is part of life; no household is free of it. The woman buries her son and becomes a nun and enlightened.

This poignant story beautifully illustrates the universal experience of loss, which could be linked to how regret touches every human life. Just like the bereaved mother in the story, we all have moments where we wish to turn back time and undo past mistakes or tragedies. However, as the woman discovers on her quest for the mustard seed, loss is an unavoidable part of the human condition.

In my case, I have done numerous things and regretted them. This article is perhaps me writing to myself about steps to forgive those past mistakes, starting from the first time I read Bitcoin's whitepaper in 2011. After reading, I remember feeling convinced that my life savings could have afforded 10 of it, which should now be about £526,750 as of when I wrote this. However, I still didn't take the bold step to invest. 

But, when I find myself overwhelmed with regret, I often turn to the story of Laszlo Hanyecz, which provides some consolation. Back in 2010, an early Bitcoin adopter named John traded 10,000 Bitcoins for two pizzas with Laszlo, another Bitcoin enthusiast. 

Bitcoin's value was relatively low at the time, making the transaction seem reasonable to John. Little did he know that this seemingly ordinary exchange would go down in history as one of the most famous Bitcoin transactions ever. As Bitcoin's value skyrocketed over the years, reaching unprecedented levels, John's pizza purchase gained widespread recognition in the cryptocurrency community. 

Despite the hindsight realisation that his Bitcoins would have been worth millions or even billions of dollars today, John never regretted his decision. Instead, he viewed it as a symbolic show of support for Bitcoin's potential to revolutionise finance.

Another regret which hit home to my heart was the death of my father. You would read from a book or watch in movies how a character is so regretful about losing someone as if they were the cause of the death, and you'd perceive it unreasonable. However, this was a case I had firsthand experience with.

The night my father called me into his room to tell me that he felt so unwell, but I should not raise an alarm about his health - before two or three hours later, he died. The thought that I could have disobeyed him and sought help has haunted me since then. Would that have saved his life? I don't know, but I guess that is how these regrets work. 

Lastly, I often find myself grappling with the remnants of failed romantic relationships, a bittersweet echo of what once was. Not because I find it hard to move on, but because I reflect on any part I have played towards this more than I should. So, in the quiet moments, regret becomes a haunting melody, whispering of missed opportunities and paths left unexplored. I have also sniffed this form of regret from many people's love stories when I hear them. 

From my examples, it is visible that I have experienced all forms of regret—missed opportunities, actions, or things which could have been done better. I am somewhat convinced that if you had read to this point, you may also have regrets you are holding on to. 

Exploring the depths of our emotions is a vital step towards self-forgiveness for overcoming regrets. Studies indicate that identifying and labelling our feelings can diminish their intensity, offering a path towards emotional regulation, particularly concerning guilt and shame. 

However, embracing self-forgiveness transcends mere acknowledgement; it entails accepting responsibility for our actions with compassion. This often entails confronting our wrongdoings, relinquishing excuses, and acknowledging the hurt we've caused. 

While this may evoke feelings of guilt and remorse, it's crucial to approach ourselves with kindness, recognising that mistakes don't define our worth. Expressing remorse is pivotal, as it signifies a commitment to change and growth. 

Furthermore, making amends and apologising, even to ourselves, facilitates forgiveness, fostering closure and healing over regrets. Additionally, learning from our mistakes empowers us to navigate similar situations more mindfully in the future - although, sometimes, as you can see, there is not even a mistake from us in the first place. 

However, it is essential to note that embracing self-forgiveness isn't about erasing the past; it's about leveraging our experiences to cultivate a more compassionate and resilient self.

Try to Do Better

Forgiving yourself also means making an active effort to do better in the future. As you approach similar situations, reflect on how you felt about your past mistakes or actions that could be improved.

Rather than feeling guilty about those past errors, remind yourself about what you learned and how you can use that knowledge and experience to guide your actions going forward. Also, don’t forget to follow your heart - as betraying your heart and feelings is the worst form of betrayal.

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Many thanks for reading my perspective and giving feedback.

My fervent wish is for the personal growth of everyone and the success of all young professionals who put their hearts and souls into finding their purpose in life.

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